Poop Sandwiches
by The Huns
Summary: A series of hilarious crack-fics written by Incitatus the Horse and kaufmanl, uniting under one name as "The Huns". All oneshots are based off Chapter 7 of kaufmanl's fic, "The Defenders". Warning: Stony. Crack. Stupidity. Read at your own risk.
1. The Poop Sandwich Story

**Hello everyone! This is a series of crack-fics written by Incitatus the Horse, who has not seen the Avengers, and kaufmanl, who has. You heard right, people, your favorite authors are collaborating on their first ever joint fanfiction! What's that? We're not your favorite authors? You need to sort out your life, man. We wrote an entire series about poop sandwiches! **

**These crack-fics are inspired by a chapter in kaufmanl's fanfiction, ****The Defenders****, called "Lesbians and Poop Sandwiches". You do not need to read said chapter to read this, but it would help. **

**Disclaimer: We do not own the Avengers.**

**This particular oneshot is written by Incitatus the Horse, who has not seen the Avengers.**

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One day, Loki got very bored locked up in Asgard, or wherever he is, because it's not like I've seen the whole movie. Anyway, he was just sitting is his cell, pondering different ways to get revenge against the Avengers (he was going to avenge his loss by getting revenge on the Avengers. Does this make any sense? No. Leave me alone.), when he had a brilliant idea than only a godly mastermind could possibly come up with: Use the radioactive chickens of Asgard to help him escape from Norse Godly prison and also to help him dominate the Earth's population, along with the Avengers, so that he could rule the Earth. Little did he know, it can be difficult to get radioactive chickens to cooperate with you, even if you're an evil Norse god, because, you know, they're radioactive. And chickens. Anyway, he managed to figure out the special radioactive chicken mating call. It goes something like, "AIIIEEE-AIIIEEE-SQUAWK, AIIIEEE-AIIIEE-SQUAWK," and so on. Loki managed to do this and was successful in luring the radioactive chickens to his cell. From there, he learned their language, until he was able to tell them to peck him out of his cell as if he were a baby radioactive chicken. They did this, and Loki was free, just like Dobby, but a little less house-elf-y. Anyway, we should probably start talking about the Avengers now, shouldn't we? Yeah, we should. Okay.

So, if you haven't read Lucy's literary achievement, The Poop Sandwich Story, (This can be found in kaufmanl's fanfiction, The Defenders, in the chapter "Lesbians and Poop Sandwiches") I highly suggest you read that before continuing with my own intellectual endeavor, The Poop Sandwich Story 2.0. Both are recommended reading for the American Lit course at Harvard University. Here is a short summary of the great modern classic by Lucy Kaufman, The Poop Sandwich Story, written by the great achiever herself: Tony and Steve are, like, really into poop sandwiches. The end.

Now, back to the story.

It was a perfectly normal day for the Avengers. They were doing stuff like, you know, Avenging. Nothing too important. But then, Agent Coulson called them and said, "It's Loki. Remember the guy in the fancy green cape thing and the weird hat? Yeah, him? Well, he's back and this time he has ... *drumroll for effect* radioactive chickens." All of the Avengers gasped loudly upon hearing about this unforeseen foe.

"Alright, Avengers," said Agent Coulson or whoever is more believably saying this, "It's time to avenge. What, I don't know. But you should just go and do your thing now. See you later. Good luck. Bye."

Tony Stark called a meeting of all the Avengers at his house.

"Now, my friends," he said, "I don't really know what to say, because frankly, this author has no idea what she's doing. But, I think it's time to prepare ourselves to beat Loki by becoming our most badass, avenging selves. I'm not really sure what we're going to do to achieve that goal, but I'm sure the readers can figure that one out by themselves. Willing suspension of disbelief, people!"

So, the Avengers became their most avenge-y selves, and were prepared to fight against Loki with all their might. The moment of the fight was upon them as Loki was descending from the sky with his troop of radioactive chicken accomplices.

"Tony," Steve said, because I haven't given him any lines yet, "I have one last question before we quite possibly die."

"And what's that?" replied Tony, looking very seriously and deeply into Steve's blue eyes.

Steve took a deep breath, and asked, "What's for lunch?"

Tony embraced Steve tightly and whispered, "Poop sandwiches."

Both men collapsed on the ground, seized by paroxysms of laughter, while the rest of the Avengers just kind of stared at them like, "What the fuck? We're all about to die, you assholes, and all you can do is laugh?!" But Loki, with his superior, Asgardian hearing, joined the laughter, plummeting to the ground with his troop of radioactive chickens. Gasping for breath, he said, "That was the funniest," gasp, "thing," gasp, "I've ever heard!" All three men shedding tears, they continued to laugh until the rest of the Avengers looked kind of offended.

"Hey," said Natasha, because she hasn't had any lines yet either and that's a darn shame, "We evacuated the entire city for this? This disgraceful...this...I don't even know, but it's sure as hell not life threatening, unless you count death by laughing until your lungs pop."

"I don't know if that's actually possible," said Bruce. Natasha just shrugged.

When the laughter had sort of subsided, Loki managed to say, "Alright, I give up. I can't possibly win against your amazing poop-related badassery. I'm just going to have to go back up to Asgard with my radioactive chickens now. Thanks for the laugh, Tony, Steve. I probably won't see you later, because that was completely brutal. What a work out for my core muscles. Anyway, bye guys!" Loki waved once more before he had ascended back to Asgard with his chickens, a few stray tears of hilarity still running down his face. "_Poop sandwich,_" he whispered gleefully, and disappeared into the sky.

"Steve, I call that work well done," said Tony, patting his friend on the back.

"Tony, I agree. But strangely enough, all that laughing has made me hungry. Tell me, Tony, what's for lunch?" And once more, their conversation subsided into laughter.

Clint shook his head at them and made a dismissive gesture with his hand.

"Let's just leave them there," he said. All the other Avengers agreed, and went to go make lunch.

(It was poop sandwichez.

Love,

Tony)


	2. The Poop Sandwich Story 2

**We have gotten a total of eighteen views, one follower, and zero reviews! And because of that wondrous success, we have decided to continue. Presenting: The Poop Sandwich Story 2.0, written by kaufmanl, who has seen the Avengers. Enjoy, and please review!**

**Disclaimer: We don't own the Avengers. If we did, the second movie would be called "The Avengers 2: Age of Poop Sandwiches".**

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This great literary achievement is a response to Ana Earle's great literary achievement, The Poop Sandwich Story, which was a response to chapter 7 of The Defenders, entitled "Lesbians and Poop Sandwiches", written by me (kaufmanl). A summary of The Poop Sandwich Story, which is needed for this story, can be found here: Tony and Steve defeat a fancy-bathrobe-wearing alien with a radioactive chicken army using the power of poop sandwiches. The end.

Now, the story.

WARNING: It's a little gross. Because, you know, poop sandwiches.

Once upon a time Tony and Steve were in their little Avenger house or wherever they live because I have seen the movie but it never said anything about where they live. SO ANYWAY they are in their Avenger house, and everyone else is out...being the Avengers. It's strenuous. So Tony and Steve were alone in the Avenger house, and Tony was flipping through a book entitled Recipes for Things Captain America and Iron Man Would Enjoy Making Together. There was only one recipe in the book. It was as follows.

**Poop Sandwiches**

You'll need:

Some godly, Asgardian shit (This is only if you want to make a divine poop sandwich, and those always taste the best. If not, use any type of shit you so desire. Your shit. Steve's shit. Your dog's shit. Your cat's shit. Your fish's shit. Your shit's shit. Whatever.)

Two slices of Wonder Bread (This is not debatable. It must be Wonder Bread. Otherwise it won't be wonderful.)

Instructions:

Get your shit together.

Massage it until it is soft and spreadable.

Retrieve a knife and smear the shit betwixt the pieces of Wonder Bread.

Wonder why you just made a poop sandwich.

Realize poop sandwiches are hilarious and have the power to defeat aliens and radioactive chickens.

Love your poop sandwich.

Don't eat it.

Please.

Please don't eat it.

"Steve!" Tony called with much joy and excitement, "Look!" Steve looked. And then he was seized by paroxysms of laughter, because the page said "poop sandwich". Poop sandwiches are funny shit. Haha, shit. Get it?

"We must make this poop sandwich!" Steve said with much authority because he is Captain America. So he's in charge. And therefore speaks with authority.

Their first step was to retrieve their godly, Asgardian shit. They quickly ruled out going to Loki, because the god was upset at them for making his core muscles sore. They only knew one other god; Thor. So they took an elevator up to Asgard and found him.

"Hey, Thor!" Steve greeted.

"Greetings, my Avenger brethren! Has the call to assemble been sounded?" Thor asked in that weird way Thor talks.

"No," Tony said, "we just need some shit."

"Oh," Thor replied, "I will ready for you some fecal matter, my brethren." Thor went away and returned later with a bag of glowing, golden, Asgardian shit. Steve and Tony were mesmerized.

"That is the most beautiful shit I've ever seen!" Steve cried.

"What, this?" Thor questioned. "'Tis nothing! I dropped a far lovelier specimen this morning."

"TMI, Thor, TMI," Tony told him. Then they rode back down their elevator to Earth, and carried their glowing shit back to their Avenger house. Yay! Then they proceded onto step 2, which was to massage it until it was soft and spreadable.

"You can do that," Tony said.

"Really?" Steve gasped, "Thank you!" And he massaged the shit.

"Now, for the Wonder Bread," Tony mused, "JARVIS, do we have any Wonder Bread?" JARVIS was Tony's computerized Al that knew everything and lived in the walls of the Avenger house and also sometimes hung out in Tony's suit and talked to him in British.

"Yes, sir," JARVIS replied, "our shelves are fully stocked with Wonder Bread."

"I think it's sad you have to invent people to talk to you," Steve commented.

"Don't insult me while you're up to your elbows in Thor's divine manure," Tony shot back.

"This manure is _beautiful_," Steve whispered instensly. And it was. It was not poop meant for mere mortal eyes, and it's beauty almost dazzled them blind.

Tony retrieved the Wonder Bread.

"I have retrieved the Wonder Bread," He said.

"I'm finished massaging the poop," Steve replied.

"Now it is time to make the poop sandwich," Tony said solemnly.

"Wait!" Steve cried, "This is an important moment. I should film it."

"You don't know how to use a camera."

"_You_ should film it."

So Tony gave Steve the knife, and went to retrieve a camera. He returned very fast because he is a fast person. True story.

"Proceed," Tony said. So Steve took a deep breath, and spread the golden shit betwixt the Wonder Bread. It was a beautiful moment. Both men cried. When they were finished, they placed the poop sandwich on a lovely china plate and set it on the counter, marked, "TONY AND STEVE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION: DO NOT EAT". Just as they were finished, Clint arrived. His eyes fell upon the sandwich. He sighed.

"Is that...I'm not gonna say it. But is it?" He asked.

"Yes," Tony replied.

"It's a poop sandwich," Steve said.

"You're not gonna eat it, are you?" Clint groaned.

"What, and ruin that work of art? Of course not!" Tony answered immediately.

"But it is around noon, and that cooking made me hungry," Steve mused. "Say, Tony, what's for lunch?"

_The End_

**Epilogue**

It was poop sandwiches.


	3. The Poop Sandwich Story 3

It is a rare occurrence for Natasha Romanoff to cry. But when it does happen, shit is going down. Literally. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHA. Sorry. Potty humor is great. Anyway, Black Widow was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, sobbing into her sleeve that looks like it wouldn't be that absorbent, but whatever. She was sniffling pitifully, and Hawkeye was sitting next to her with a comforting hand on her back.

"It's ok, Natasha," he was telling her. "The age of the poop sandwich will be over soon. You know how Tony and Steve have their little jokes. They get over them pretty soon. You'll see. Shhh..." But Natasha was inconsolable. It came to the point where they had to call Bruce in, and Thor too, who aren't really the best guys to call in an emotional situation. You know, because of the whole tendency to smash stuff. Anyway, Natasha was so upset by the rising age of the poop sandwiches that Clint, Bruce, and Thor had to come up with a brilliantly diabolical plan. It went like this:

Steal poop sandwich.

Flush it down the toilet.

Shit is going down, as stated in the introduction section.

Before you continue to read this illustrious contemporary classic, please consider skimming the entirety of The Poop Sandwich Saga by the esteemed authors, Lucy Kaufman and Ana Velveeta Loki Earle. The entire #1 New York Times Bestselling series can be purchased at your nearest bookstore, and to find infinite interpretations of these texts, please look on the Oxford University website. We thank you for your cooperation. Now, back to this extremely interesting story.

Clint, Bruce, and Thor told Natasha about their brilliantly crafted plan. As soon as she heard it, she stopped crying, and said, "We have to do it." Once she had her shit together again (oh god, someone take my keyboard away), she devised an even more excellently honed plan than the one the guys had come up with, because let's face it, girls are just plain better than guys.

"Okay," she said, "Here's the plan. Thor, call Tony and Steve and pretend to have embraced their crappy way of life. After all, it's your shit in that sandwich, so it's your fault we're in this situation. Bruce, unplug Jarvis for a little while, if that's what you do to weird talking robots. Clint, take these arrows," she instructed, handing him a quiver full of very thin, very sharp arrows, "And shoot both Tony and Steve with one each. Just one. It will temporarily sedate them. While they're asleep, I will sneak in and steal the poop sandwich. Gentlemen, this shit is going down." (I really think I've made that joke too many times at this point. Oh, well) "Oh, and Clint?" she asked.

"Yes?" he replied.

"I think...well. If the arrows don't last as long as it takes me to steal the sandwich, and then get all of you together to watch it go down the drain, you might have to say it. It will stun Tony and Steve into submission, and give me my chance. Please, Clint? Pretty please? Think about nonexistent Katniss and Katmister. If you failed a mission like this, what would they think of their father?" Finally, Clint gave in.

"Alright, alright. Fine. But only if it's a completely plan threatening situation. Understood?"

"Thank you, Hawkeye. You know how much this means to me." Clint nodded and exited the room with Thor and Bruce, who haven't really spoken yet in this fanfic.

The plan went...fairly well. Thor did a kind of convincing act, Bruce ended up just smashing Jarvis, and Clint, per usual, had perfect aim. Natasha had just captured the poop sandwich and was making her way back to the bathroom when Hawkeye burst into the room.

"Natasha," he gasped, "They woke up too early. They're coming now!"

"Quick, distract them!" Black Widow shouted. She hurried the rest of the way to the bathroom, when she heard Clint begging with Tony and Steve.

"Please!," he cried. "I'll do anything you want! Anything! I'll even say...it."

"What?" Steve gasped.

"Clint. This is really out of character for you. What's going on? Never mind, don't tell me. I would rather hear you say poop sandwich." Clint had begun to cry, and Natasha heard him softly utter the phrase, "Poop sandwich," as he slumped on the bathroom door, drained of his will to survive. Just as Tony and Steve had fought their way into the bathroom, Natasha hit the flushy-button-thing. Tony's entire face crumpled. Steve looked distraught.

"Do you know what was in that sandwich, Natasha? Do you have any idea about what time, effort, love, and devotion went into that sandwich? It was a brotherhood, Natasha. And you've ruined it. Also, we managed to obtain the highest quality of Asgardian shit, and..." Tony stepped closer, to whisper in her ear, "Steve's engagement ring was in there, Natasha. I was going to propose to Steve with the poop sandwich. Why couldn't you just respect our future, Tash? Why?"

"Look, I'm sorry. But you two will still have super kick-ass babies with a fiery passion for potty jokes. It will be okay, Tony."

"Yes, actually. It will, Natasha. Because guess what? We still have the video." Natasha's face dropped in shock. "Oh, lord," she murmured, "My life is pointless." While she was experiencing an existential crisis with a side of spiritual emptiness, Tony had kneeled down in front of Steve.

"Steve, my love," said Tony, "I have come to care deeply for you throughout our poop sandwich antics, and I was wondering...will you make lunch with me forever?" Tears were running down Steve's pale, slightly racist, cheeks.

"Yes, Tony. Yes, I will." The embraced and shared a passionate kiss, and it lasted for a really, really, really, really, REALLY long time. So long, in fact, that it made them hungry.

"Tony," whispered Steve gravely, "I may have had my racial horizons expanded, but I still can't help but wonder..."

"Yes, Steve?"

"Tony...What's for lunch?" As they looked into each other's eyes, and shared such a deeply profound moment that only lovers and lovers of poop sandwiches can share, Tony whispered, "Poop sandwiches, my love." And they left to get married and watch the video of them making the poop sandwich at their poop themed wedding reception.

The End

Epilogue

Poop sandwich.


End file.
